Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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