hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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