I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
