if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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