I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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