My sheets look like a crime scene.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
