The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
