He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
