There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
