someone owes me an orgasm
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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