I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
