I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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