god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You work out of a Hotel?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
