Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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