So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
