he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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