No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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