All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
