After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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