Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Too much gin, very little bucket
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
