UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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