I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
