Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
