i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
