I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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