I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
