You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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