I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Two words: nipple clamps
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