I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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