im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
