Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We got so high we made milksteak
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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