rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
