First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
