It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
