I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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