Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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