she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
