Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
