I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
