can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
