I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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