I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
