and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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