the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
