It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
