take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize