I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
