last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
