made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
