We're like a lot better than the average bears
i barfeds in our rink
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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