I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize