My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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