So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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