my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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